The real highlight of the National Book Awards wasn’t the granting of any particular prize, but nominee Christopher Hitchens’ admonition to those who hissed his support of the war in Iraq. I was lucky enough to catch the NPR story while getting ready for work this morning. Hitchens said, with pitch-perfect delivery, “If you could hear how you sounded when you hissed, you wouldn’t do it, because you sound creepy and mediocre.”

Say what you will about the man, his politics, and his fashion choices, but you have to give him credit for this put-down. As retorts go, this one’s an A+ winner with infinite potential to be used in practically any situation that requires a withering insult:

At work!
BOSS: We’ve noticed you’ve been underperforming.
YOU: If you could hear how you sounded when you told me I was underperforming, you wouldn’t do it, because you sound creepy and mediocre.

At home!
ROOMMATE: Could you please maybe do the dishes sometime? Because, like, the sink is starting to smell.
YOU: If you could hear how you sounded when you asked me to do the dishes, you wouldn’t do it, because you sound creepy and mediocre.

In love!
SIGNIFICANT OTHER: I’m breaking up with you.
If you could hear how you sounded when you broke up with me, you wouldn’t do it, because you sound creepy and mediocre.

The best part is, you don’t even need to credit Hitchens! I think he’d be happy if you just paid it forward.